Grinchiness

I hate Christmas. I never used to. But years of problems and no help and feeling alone and financial issues and those same financial issues causing relationship issues have finally taken their toll on me.

I hate Christmas. 

Well. Perhaps it has turned into irritated indifference. I want it over. I feel no joy or famial warmth. Just the bland sensation of obligation, like going to a job I am going to quit soon. 

I'm not even upset over the fact I used to love Christmas and loved planning and baking and finding gifts that were unexpected. I used to be. That is gone now too.

And in a way that is liberating.

Not being upset any longer over the disappointment and frustration and loneliness is liberating. I mean, those feelings are still there to some degree, but I don't feel upset like I used to. Sort of like finally adjusting to ill fitting shoes. When you think about it too hard they are terribly uncomfortable, but if you ignore it, it goes away. 

I think this is supposed to be a bad thing. But I am not sure I care. 

Oh well.