Next Day Regrets

I cried so hard I hyperventilated again. I hate it when that happens.

It hurts. 

Whining

I just got home from work about half an hour ago.

I am tired. And irritated. And a wee bit angry. 

Daughter is being disobedient. But of course I don't understand. I have clear instructions but I'm the one not listening. 

*sigh*

I share my bed with the cats. Husband usually sleeps on the sofa because that is where he fell asleep. I normally can't get him up to get him to move. 

I kind of like having the space, but it is lonely. 

I don't like working my schedule. 

The Wishes of Fishes

Dancing in the falling snow at night.

Exploring the Christmas light lane and tying to get the photos just right. 

Snuggling under a shared blanket after a walk in the snow. 

Going up to see the star on the hill and enjoying the view with each other, no one else, no devices. And getting hot chocolate after. 

Board games, card games, video games. 

Quiet time together with music softly playing in the background. 

Baking together, and then decorating the results. 

Talking late into the night without worry of work or getting up early.

Making something warm to drink and taking a drive away from the city to see the stars. 

Go back and see if there are still cows along the walking trail. 

Exploring some wooded creek. 

Taking gifts out to nature. 

Falling asleep under the same blanket. 

Grinchiness

I hate Christmas. I never used to. But years of problems and no help and feeling alone and financial issues and those same financial issues causing relationship issues have finally taken their toll on me.

I hate Christmas. 

Well. Perhaps it has turned into irritated indifference. I want it over. I feel no joy or famial warmth. Just the bland sensation of obligation, like going to a job I am going to quit soon. 

I'm not even upset over the fact I used to love Christmas and loved planning and baking and finding gifts that were unexpected. I used to be. That is gone now too.

And in a way that is liberating.

Not being upset any longer over the disappointment and frustration and loneliness is liberating. I mean, those feelings are still there to some degree, but I don't feel upset like I used to. Sort of like finally adjusting to ill fitting shoes. When you think about it too hard they are terribly uncomfortable, but if you ignore it, it goes away. 

I think this is supposed to be a bad thing. But I am not sure I care. 

Oh well.